Speak up
10 Way to be Better at Conversations
Follow these tips to keep the listeners engaged in what you are saying.
“Hey, how have you been?”
“I am great, what about you?”
“Oh things have been great with me too”
“Oh…that’s great..”
“Yeah. So what’s up?”
“Nothing much. What about you?”
“just chilling…so..”
“I gotta go. We’ll talk later”
Some part of him knew that she had nowhere to go. It was his way of talking that made her go away. But what could he possibly do? He looked up, the ceiling looked blank, just like his mind when he’s trying to talk to someone new. What could he do? How could he improve his conversational skills? Was there a way to be more engaging while talking? He took a sip of carbonated mango juice and thought to himself, “Why am I drinking this? I hate it.” But little did Jim know, the narrator of this story wanted him to do this.
After taking the sip and messing up the taste of his mouth, he tried finding a way to be better at conversations. After filtering a lot, he saw an article that could help him. This is what was in the article.
Conversing is a skill. Most people think that just because they can talk with their friends, they can talk with any stranger they meet and be interesting. There are a lot of things you need to keep in mind to be better at having and holding a conversation. Here are 10 tips to make you a better talker.
Be a better listener
There is never any case of monologue. Even when you are talking to yourself, you are also listening to yourself. When it comes to conversations, you have to be a better listener. And to be a better listener, you have to practice active listening.
Active listening is when you focus on what the other person is saying. Most people focus on the response they must give to what the other person just said. What you need to do is find the intent of whatever the other person said. Then take your time, a pause for 2–3 seconds, and then give a good response.
“The art of conversation is the art of hearing as well as of being heard.”
― William Hazlitt
Keep your intent flexible. Many people have rigid intent while talking. This means that they decide to be witty and then try keeping their response witty, or serious or funny, or sarcastic. Conversations are dynamic. They keep changing in tone, intent, style, etc. You must be able to detect the tone and change your tone accordingly.
Don’t keep topics superficial
Here’s a little thing that many people don’t do. And to be honest it is not their fault. It’s an easy thing to miss. While having a conversation, often we discuss a lot of topics, switching from one topic to another quickly.
But when you are talking to someone new, make sure that you enquire a little bit more about whatever the other person presents. Like if the other person talks about a movie they like, ask 1 or 2 questions related to that movie and give 1 or 2 opinions if you have one. This not only says that you are following and interested in the conversation but lets the other person knows that there is something relatable between you two.
Imagine if someone said that they liked the show Breaking Bad and right after listening, you start talking about the favorite place you like to eat or you shoot another question. Many times this shows rudeness.
“The only reason why we ask other people how their weekend was is so we can tell them about our own weekend.”
― Chuck Palahniuk
Body language is essential
Remember that no one talks with their eyes closed. And a major portion of your conversation is through your body language. It makes a major part of the non-verbal conversation and you must ensure a positive and open body language to build trust and interest in your conversational partner.
Here’s what you need to pay attention to when you are talking to someone, even your friends. Remember to have
- A little bit of smile on your face (if the conversation is light-hearted).
- A little bit of nodding when the other person is talking.
- A little bit of touching on the peripheral parts of the body (arms, shoulder).
- An open posture with arms wide open and your available space taken. Don’t sit like you are cowering or stand as if someone kept 50 pounds of weight on you. Stand straight and sit confidently.
- Maintain eye contact during listening and speaking. Not maintaining an eye-contact either makes you look uninterested or scared.
- Fewer questions, more statements.
In the pursuit of sounding interested in other people (or being genuinely interested in them), we start asking too many questions. This makes the conversation feel more like an interview. To avoid this, change your questions into statements.
So instead of saying something like “Do you like it?”, say “I believe you like it.” Changing questions to statements and assertions makes the conversation flow better and feels more natural. And if the other person asks you a question, answer it and then wait if they have something more to ask about your answer.
“Conversation, like certain portions of the anatomy, always runs more smoothly when lubricated.”
― Doug Wright
Make your answers interesting
Instead of giving one-word answers or responses, try adding more content to your answers. Not too much though. If the other person asked you “where did you grow up”, don’t just answer with the name of your birthplace, add something more related to that place. Maybe a nickname the city has, a pop-reference to your city.
If the other person asks you about your hobby, don’t just say singing and then finish. Tell them why it is your hobby and how does it help you. Asked about your favorite song? Add what part of the song connects with you.
Another way of making your answers interesting and conversations better is diving a bit deeper into the topic. If any topic that you are interested in is being talked about, add your opinions and views on it. What makes that particular topic interesting to you. Go a bit deeper into it but don’t drag it too long. Give them a trailer, not the entire movie.
Be a storyteller
Talking about something that needs explanation will require you to talk a little longer. This increases the chance of the other person getting bored. To avoid that, learn to be a good storyteller. Explain the story or topic in a way the makes the listeners curious.
The story you are about to tell must have an interesting hook point. Something that is the most exciting about it. So use that to lure the curiosity of the listener and then wrap the story around it. Then put life in your story.
Change your tone that matches the content of what you are saying. Slow down on important parts, speed up for the exciting parts, use gestures and facial expressions to keep the listeners hooked.
A great way to learn this is by watching stand-up comedians like Louis CK, Ricky Gervais, George Carlin, etc. Learn how they deliver their lines and look at their body language.
Stand-up comedians are great in conversation. If they fail to keep you interested in what they are saying, they are not stand-up comedians.
Use their names often
Imagine you are in a crowded place, maybe a concert or any event. The noise is deafening and you cannot understand a single thing. But if someone said your name, your brain would get it quickly. Hearing our name makes us attentive. When in conversation, frequently using the person’s name keeps their attention towards you. A great strategy to make the other listen to what you are saying.
Don’t be judgmental
Have you seen 12 Angry Men? A great movie about not concluding without giving it a lot of thought. This is what you must avoid while in a conversation. Often the conversation is about someone and what they did. No matter what you hear, never be final in your judgment. Never criticize too much and never think that making fun of someone will make me look respectable.
Even if you don’t like a person and you know that he/she is hated by all in your group, never criticize them publicly when you are talking to someone new. Be open about your opinions and the other person will feel comfortable in the opening to you, without the fear being judged by you. Remember, if you are judging someone in front of this person, you might judge this person in front of someone else. This is what vibe they get from you.
Have knowledge
You must try to have at least surface knowledge about different subjects. This is done by reading books, articles, keeping up with what’s happening in the world. Since you never know what the other person could be interested in, it is advised that you know about multiple subjects. But that just doesn’t end there.
Knowing something is one-dimensional. Having an opinion about that thing is two-dimensional and the ability to have a conversation about that thing I three-dimensional. Try to be three-dimensional about as many things as you can. This makes you an interesting person to talk with and leaves a good impression on the other person.
Know when the person wants to change the topic
When a person wants to change the topic, they won’t be direct about it. They can’t just cut you off and put another topic in. It is important to see whether the other person is getting bored by the topic or does not want to talk about it. Then you switch, even though you may have something more to say on that topic.
This also applies to end the conversation. If the other person wants to cease the conversation, you must not drag it. End it as soon as you think they wan to end it. Practice these skills by talking to new people and you will get better.
Few points to keep in mind to have a better conversation
Omit the filler words such as um, ah, er, you know, well, so, alright, etc. These words reduce the quality of conversation. Keep your sentences compact and powerful.
Talk slowly but surely. Whatever you say, say with conviction.
Vary the tone and pitch accordingly to make your words more engaging.
Expand your vocabulary to be more eloquent.
Thing to avoid
- Lip-smacking
- Fidgety hands and body movements
- Slouched posture
- Ceasing to speak if someone intervenes
- Being on the fence, having no definite opinion at all.
After reading this article, Jim heard his phone ringing. He rushed towards it. It was her. He picked up and without hesitation but with lots of nervousness he uttered, “Hello?” But no answer came. “Janice? Hello?”
“Jim, you are great in conversations. I am very impressed.”
“um..thanks” Jim answered with a lot of confusion.” I didn’t even have a conversation with her, he thought.
“I wanna come over. You are magnificent Jim” Janice said emphatically
“Wait what’s happening, Janice, are you okay?”
“I don’t know Jim, it is as if someone is making me do all this”
“What? Who? Jim got anxious as his the thought of someone writing his story crossed his mind…
In the end, we got to learn a lot about conversations. But the price was Jim’s sanity. He is currently in an asylum.
